Priorities

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

~ Matthew 6:33

Do you ever get to feeling like you have no control over your life? Day in and day out you are working someone else’s agenda. You daydream about what you wish you had time to do, but you never seem to get the chance. Join the hundreds of millions of westerners who have chosen this life. This is the game we bought into. It’s what I often refer to as the “hamster wheel the world has gotten us onto.”

Michele and I have often wanted to travel in our life. We get to once in a while, but with no regularity. Finances and our commitments to our children’s schedules, our church and employers and my spending habits have often frustrated these longings.

On the one hand, we can learn the discipline of being thankful for what we have. There is a joy in simplicity and allowing ourselves to gratefully receive the givenness of our life together. Still, we could also acknowledge that we allow the business of day to day commitments obscure our working toward priorities. If we want to go on a trip to Hawaii, we can set the date and plan on how we will save the money to pay for the trip. It may take a few years to reach that dream, but we won’t see it come to fruition unless we work toward that priority.

We find the same to be true in our marriage relationship. We get so busy with the day to day that we begin to sense that there’s a gap between us. We love each other, but our need for intimacy is not being met because, we haven’t made intimate conversation and time together a priority.

Michele uses an object lesson that is very effective in illustrating the importance of priorities. On a table she has two glass jars. One jar is filled about halfway with small dried beans. The other is filled with pin-pong balls. The small beans represent all the little stuff we have to get done, like trimming the bushes or changing the oil in the lawnmower. They are important, but are they major priorities in the grand scheme? The ping-pong balls represent the major priorities like family, job, school and friendships.

If you are like most people, you can’t get everything done. So after days and weeks of reacting to all the tugs on your time and talent, you have little left for pursuing what you really want out of life. Michele illustrates this by showing that when we deal with all the small stuff first (the beans), all the ping-pong balls will not fit into the jar with the beans.

But when we attend to the major priorities first (she loads an empty jar with the ping-pong balls), then all the small stuff falls into place (she pours the beans into the same jar with the ping-pong balls and amazingly they all fill the spaces in between the ping-pong balls.).

Jesus taught to make the kingdom of God our first priority, even above such necessities as food, drink and clothing. When we pursue God’s righteousness, all the other stuff finds its appropriate place in the scheme of things.

Your marriage is a gift from God. How are you making your relationship a major priority? Discuss what small stuff is getting in the way of you both working toward intimacy and affectionate care?

A Verse to Hang Your Hat On

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

Have you ever heard people from New England or Michigan speak? Their “r” is barely noticeable. I heard a comedian once joking about a fellow from Boston who said that his father had a “hat” attack. Cardiac arrest aside, I have a few biblical verses that “I hang my hat (heart) on.” That’s an old saying (origin unknown to me) related to a place where you call home, a place of security. If I hang my hat on an idea, it means I feel secure in my adherence to that idea.

One such verse is Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This implies a worldview where there is a God working for good in all things. It says to me that in the good, bad and ugly of life, God is at work taking life as it is presented to Him and bringing about blessings. This does not mean that I will feel good about an ugly event like the murder of children. It doesn’t mean that God wills for such ugliness to occur. What it does recognize is that suffering happens in this fallen world in its “bondage to decay” (Rom 8:21). Yet, while suffering occurs, God responds by working good for those whose hearts belong to Him and dedicate themselves to working with God in His work of restoring this broken world.

Time and time again, as Michele and I face “trials of many kinds” (James 1:2-4), we return to this understanding. We are comforted with a sense of security when we acknowledge that God is on the job working for good. We may not see the good God is doing, but we have faith that such good will come. It doesn’t matter to us if we benefit directly from the good. We are pleased to believe that something beautiful, something good will come out of the trial.

Recently we reconnected with one of our friends who served as an usher at our wedding all those years ago. We hadn’t seen him in a couple of years and inquired about his family. He had married later in life to a woman with a troubled teenager. Problems at their home sometime brought the police to their doorstep. It was a harrowing time for them and they feared for their daughter’s life with her destructive behavior and rebellious attitude.

What a delight it was to hear how God had worked for good in their lives. The teen had sued our friends for emancipation, but was placed at a Christian children’s home under supervision by the court until she reached 18 years. During that time the teen found healing for her heart and coping skills. Now in her mid-twenties she is a mother and employed full time as a counselor for child victims of domestic violence. God took a wounded girl and helped her become a healer.

What is a verse of scripture you hang your heart on?
Discuss with your spouse some of your favorite verses or passages.
If you can’t think of a passage, discuss how you feel about Romans 8:28.

Not Enough is Plenty

“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered. “Bring them here to me,” he said. – Matthew 14:17-18

Recently Michele and I have hit a brick wall. Our energy is depleted. We are tired. It could be aging, or lack of exercise, improper diet or doing more than we are physically equipped to do. Whatever it is, low energy is a drag on us spiritually. When our bodies are tired, our spirits and minds are also worn out.

Paul tells us that anyone who is in Christ is a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). And Jesus tells John in his revelation, “I am making everything new” (Rev. 21:5). The Spirit of God “renews the face of the earth” (Psalm 104:30). And “those who wait on the Lord renew their strength” (Isa. 40:31). The need for renewal exists for all God’s creation. Why should we be any different?

One of my favorite passages is about Jesus trying to get away from the crowds to grieve his cousin, John the baptizer, who was executed by King Herod. Matthew tells us that Jesus and his disciples took a boat to a secluded place. The crowds had heard about his plans and met Him when He arrived.

Can you imagine how he felt? I would have just moved on to another place saying, “I need some ‘me’ time.” But Jesus has compassion on the crowds and heals their sick. As the day turns to evening, the disciples are worn out. “Send these people away so they can eat,” they tell Jesus. Jesus tells them, “You give them something to eat.” The disciples complained that there was not enough to feed this multitude of 5000 people. But Jesus responds, “bring them to me.” So the disciples hand him their limited supplies, but with the blessing of God all the people are fed and satisfied with baskets of leftovers!

In our weakness, we find new strength through our dependency on the abundance of the kingdom of Heaven. When we are empty, we find new resources for energy and passion when we come to our Creator broken and in need. Give God what little you have in faithful obedience and see what he does with it. Remember with God…not enough means plenty.

You may be struggling with financial limitations, or a depletion of self-esteem, you may find a physical limitation slowing you down. In all these things, you are invited to stop focusing on your limits and start trusting in the abundant mercies of God through Jesus Christ. Like a pinch of yeast causes a whole batch of dough to rise, your faith added to your limited resources will bring about dramatic results.

Share with one another where you are feeling empty, limited, pinched or constrained. How does God want to use the little you feel you have? Pray together for God to direct you and multiply your offering.

A Time to Every Purpose

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 2A time to be born, and a time to die.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

Recently Michele’s part-time consulting job was eliminated. “I was disappointed and concerned. I judged this was a step backwards for the organization. I was concerned not only for the future of the organization & the people I supported but also for our personal finances.” There is a lot of that going around in 2009. This June another half million jobs disappeared from American employers. People are displaced and in transition. Marriages are in crisis as fearful emotions run high.

Often we tend to equate our self worth to what we do, our occupation. Others are tied to fine belongings like houses, cars, clothes, and jewelry to boost self esteem. But when economies erode, our self esteem can wash away like a collapsing river bank. When we derive our sense of self worth from things on earth, we are truly on questionable foundations.

Both the old and new testaments include in their worldview an end to this era. Peter writes in his second letter, The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. The New Testament writers especially thought that the end of this world and its corruption would bring about the reign of Christ and the home of Righteousness. So we are encouraged to put our complete trust in the Master’s hand and not get too tied to the world.

After all we live a mortal life. It is a life with limitations and endings. It is a life with joy and sorrow. But with every death, there is a new beginning because our creator is in the world bringing about newness all the time. As Christ’s work continues to renew the face of the earth, He also renews the lives of those who call upon Him in faith.

How would your life together be different if you both trusted that each loss, disappointment, change, challenge and death was an opportunity for God to do something new in your lives? Discuss with one another.

Pray together and recommit your hearts to trust fully in God’s action. For there is a time to every purpose under heaven and we know all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose (Rom. 8:28).

Parents

"Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." ~ Ephesians 6:2-3

Recently, I got a call from a young man who told me he was getting a divorce after less than one year of marriage. The news astounded me. By all accounts they seemed happy, well grounded in faith and prepared for life together. What I did not see were the parents of this couple.

Parents can bless their children's marriage or curse it. If you come from unhealthy family dynamics, your marriage may be under attack at its very start. My friend’s wife did not have the emotional ability to detach herself from her parents and cling to him. If she was lonely, she called and they coddled. They who also could not let go of their little girl planted seeds of discontent. In the end, rather than encouraging their daughter to keep her commitment to the marriage, they made it easy for her to come home and end the relationship.

When parents turn poison, how can we keep the command to honor them? You honor them with respect and compassion even in the face of injury and insult. Our Lord taught us to "turn the other cheek." Ill will and violence only beget more heartache and greater obstacles to right relationships. It's true some people will never choose to change. They will remain unhealthy and poisonous. That doesn't mean we have to behave in the same way and find ourselves infected with the same attitudes and behaviors.

Consider David's response to King Saul's unmerited and irrational attacks upon him. Saul was insanely jealous of David's influence on Israel and the admiration of the people. Saul became convinced that David was going to wrest the kingdom from his control. So Saul tried to kill David. David had to go into hiding, but every time David had an opportunity to do Saul harm, he refused. He simply could not dishonor "the Lord's anointed." To do harm to the king of Israel was in David's mind to insult God Himself, because God had chosen the king.

Might we think of our meddling parents in the same light? God chose them to give us life and nurture us to adulthood. They are not perfect. They are sinful, weak and limited just as you are. They have needs that they try to fulfill without God just as we all do from time to time. Have compassion and choose to honor your parents and in-laws because of your desire to remain faithful to God. Always lend an ear that listens to their pain and need and help to direct them to God for fulfillment.

Sadly, sometimes the best you can do is to go into hiding to avoid further abuse. Trust that God is with you in struggles with poisonous parents. Place the whole mess in His capable hands and pray for the parents in your life that they might find healing and help. Love one another deeply and remain faithful to your marriage partner. Learn to laugh in spite of the stuff that life throws at your marriage. God will keep you for He has promised "a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."


Share with one another your feelings about your parents. How do you feel about your spouse's parents? How do they bless your life together? How can you show your gratitude? How do they strain your relationship? Discuss how you two will choose to honor your parents. Pray for God's guidance and compassion to honor parents who cause you difficulty.

The Coat Hanger

Ephesians 5:21 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

The apostle Paul gives this simple encouragement to the church. It seems simple, but it reflects how submission to Christ changes our relationships. When we learn how to rever Christ, by submitting our lives to Him in humility and obedience, we find that we are able to surrender our lives in love to others.

This goes a very long way in illustrating how Christ intends his married couples to behave. Paul follows in Eph. 5:22 by telling wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Her submission to her husband is prefigured or modeled in her submission to Christ her Lord. In the same way Paul urges the man in Eph. 5: 25 to “love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Husbands are to follow the self-sacrificing love that Jesus showed the church by giving His life as a ransom in order that we might be saved. Christ shed His blood on the cross to “present the church to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Christ’s self-emptying love rings about a transformation by those He loved. In the same way husbands and wives are called to love each other like Jesus loves each one through a self-emptying love.

I always use the coat hanger as a symbol of the Christian covenant of marriage. Most of my couples have never thought of their relationship in this way. Refer to the picture above. Most often we think of marriage as a 50/50 proposition. He throws in his half with hers and the two make a go of it. Some poor folks actually agree that “if it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce.” Is it any wonder with such an approach to the marriage covenant that 50% of our marriages in America end in divorce?

We are so trained to think as liberated individuals that we fail to see that marriage is a relationship started by God’s action and held together by God’s grace. Every covenant is initiated by God’s invitation. God invited humans to “be fruitful and multiply, to fill the earth and subdue it.” God invited Abram to follow Him to Canaan and God would make Abram the father of many nations and bless him and those who bless Abram. God invited Moses and the Israelites to join Him into a holy community by following His holy law, summarized in the 10 commandments. In the same way God brings together a man and woman and invites them into a covenant where the two will become one flesh.

As such a husband must acknowledge the author of his marriage, namely His creator. The more he pursues a vital faith, the stronger he will be as a husband to his wife. And a woman likewise must love the Lord and grow in her devotion to Christ. The stronger her relationship with Christ, the stronger she will be in her marriage to her husband. The success of the Christian marriage is dependent upon Christ’s grace at work in the husband and wife.

We know Christ as the good shepherd who lays down his life for the sheep. We know from Psalm 23 that the Lord our shepherd leads us to refreshment, righteousness, walks with us through the dark valleys of our life journey and brings us to a place of security where we can affirm that good and mercy follow us always and we will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. The hook on the coat hanger reminds us of this Shepherd God. The triangular shape of the coat hanger reminds us of the correlation between our submission to Christ and the strength of our marriage.

Discuss together how you feel about the coat hanger as a symbol for marriage. Share with one another one or two areas in your relationship with Christ where you think you need to grow. Ask your spouse to share with you an area he or she would like to see you grow as a spouse.

Back to Basics

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. ~ Revelation 22:2

As another month draws to a close, I realize how quickly life passes us by as adults. As children time seems to crawl. We long to be grown up and seen as responsible. Now as we will soon be celebrating our second child’s graduation from high school, I am aware that the speed of time’s passing is a blur. Like the dotted line on a highway, each day passes by with a flash.

Spring is a season where we often renew efforts to physical fitness trying to make good on our New Year resolutions. We join our neighbors in yard work and other outside activities. It is a time of renewal and rebirth. How do we renew ourselves? How do we renew our relationships?

For Michele and me renewal comes in many forms. We date. We go out to a restaurant and a movie like we have since our first days together. We hold hands and tell each other, “I love you.” We may take a walk around the neighborhood, the park or take a ride on the motorcycle. But these events are often just a going through the motions.

What truly renews is our bedrock commitment to each other in holy wedlock. We are locked into this marriage. We both delight in the knowledge that God made us for each other. We fit like two pieces of a puzzle. Her heart joined to mine makes us whole. We remember fondly how we discussed marriage during our courtship. We both felt that God meant for us to be together forever. That belief has kept us in covenant even when we had a hard time keeping our vows.

Part of renewal is remembrance, not only of a romantic past, but of God’s promise of a glorious future. Even though time seems to rush by too quickly, there is a point on the horizon to which we are moving. It is the kingdom of God fully realized. Michele and I live out our faith and marriage with this destiny in mind. Our marriage is not based on some past romance, but on the belief that our marriage are in God’s hands. He shapes us according to His will and deepens our love for one another. He is making us each day more and more fit for life together in the kingdom of God.

Our hope in the new Jerusalem is the prime example of our hope in all of God’s promises which include a continual deepening of love and relatedness as He makes us into one flesh. The truer our love for God and each other, the more the Kingdom of God is a reality in our homes and with others.

Pray together that this spring will be a time of renewal in your marriage. Remember your wedding day. Look at the photos or the video of your wedding ceremony. This was a day you began this journey. Remember God’s promise for a great future together. Keep close to one another and recommit to this hand in hand, heart in heart walk into God’s bright future.