Grieving

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.

"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" ~ John 11:33-36

At some point in your married life together you will experience grief. It may be the loss of a grandparent or parent, a dear friend or colleague. It might be a job loss or an injury to one of your children. Some grief is momentary, but some grief takes years and in some cases there is no complete healing from the pain this side of heaven. May you be spared from that grief. Still grief is a natural response to loss and change. Our Lord took on human flesh and experienced grief.

You can search the internet and buy books and pamphlets on grief to discover the process. Grieving persons go through disbelief, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and finally the healthy integration of the loss or change into living out a new reality. It is so important for married couples to understand this process for grieving. Sometimes we come from backgrounds that make it difficult for us to express our feelings or face the feelings in our spouse. Our understanding of grief process helps us to compassioinately support one another as we go through it.

Michele’s aunt and my brother died on Christmas Day 2009. We were in shock all day. We tried to go on with holiday celebrations, but for me everything felt so surreal, as if it wasn’t really happening. My memory of the gift exchange is scant and blurred. For weeks following I felt like I was on autopilot. I worked, I went through the funeral service, I went back to work. I talked about our loss, but I felt little.

Weeks later I was working on editing a video of my daughter Erika’s first birthday only to discover the VHS tape had demagnetized and the images ruined. I suddenly felt a deep sadness come over me. I was paralyzed by it. The only thing that helped was Michele’s hug and her understanding. The loss of maturing children moving away from home, the loss of my brother, and my wife’s family’s loss all came crashing in on me.

Talking about it didn’t help at first, but after about 3-4 conversations over the next few days the deep sadness left me. I was reminded that I still had adult children to love. While I suffered the loss of a video record of their childhood, I hadn’t lost them. And while I had lost my brother, I had gained a sweeter understanding of who he was through the many people who spent time with him in recent years. I was renewed by a new perspective.

Talk about a time you have faced grief. How did you get through it? If you have never really faced grief, talk about how you feel about the idea of facing loss and significant changes. Know that Jesus, our Lord, knows your grief. Take comfort in knowing that Jesus is with you both as you hold on to Him and one another.

Consider The Cost

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.' In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. ~ Luke 14:28-30, 33

Too often marriages begin without a real consideration of what it takes to see it through to the finish. Young romance blinds couples to the harsh realities of life together. It requires surrender to Christ and His covenant with us as married couples. Recently I read that the chief purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ in our love for one another. This transformed love shapes godly children and blesses other family and friends. Are you surrendering everything for Christ to change you?

Jesus comes from a Hebrew prophetic tradition that often uses harsh rhetoric in order to grab attention. Such comments demand a response. The faint of heart and disinterested will fall away, but those who truly love God with their whole heart, mind, soul, and strength will want to come closer to understand Jesus. They will come to discover there are greater things requiring their attention than wealth making or even daily needs like food, drink and clothing. Jesus promises that God takes care of His own (Mat. 6:25-34). Those who walk by faith are moved by God’s promises and not by the current customs of the world. They gain a greater appreciation for the riches that God gives to every soul that places His right ways and His community above all things. Jesus promised that those who leave family, jobs and houses for kingdom work will gain 100 times the family and homes in this life and in the new age (Mark 10:28-30).

All this rhetoric should not be literalized. When we offer a tithe, we don’t wait with a ledger for the 10,000% return. The point is that when our attentions and passions are occupied by money-making, family building, career advancement or pleasure seeking, we will not be free to give God unfettered allegiance. Our hearts will belong elsewhere and God will get the leftovers. And we cannot serve more than one master (Mat. 6:24). His challenge serves to help us sift through all that grabs our attention. We learn to separate the wheat from the chaff. Jesus’ challenge sifted the crowd and those left were on the way to a sincere following of Jesus Christ.

Consider Jesus’ warning to the crowds and evaluate the cost of discipleship. It means everything changes. His mission of redemption in the world becomes your mission above all other concerns. Discuss with your spouse how you feel about this. How might you move your attentions from family building, career building or wealth building to a wholehearted mission of kingdom building through witness in word and deed?

To give up everything is to lay all things at your disposal at the Master’s feet and ask His direction on how to use it for His glory and the building of His community of faith. As we plan the New Year, how might we make the appropriate dedication of all things to Christ’s disposal as an act of discipleship? Will we fall away or draw closer and discover the fulfillment of His promises for eternal riches?