Grieving

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.

"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" ~ John 11:33-36

At some point in your married life together you will experience grief. It may be the loss of a grandparent or parent, a dear friend or colleague. It might be a job loss or an injury to one of your children. Some grief is momentary, but some grief takes years and in some cases there is no complete healing from the pain this side of heaven. May you be spared from that grief. Still grief is a natural response to loss and change. Our Lord took on human flesh and experienced grief.

You can search the internet and buy books and pamphlets on grief to discover the process. Grieving persons go through disbelief, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and finally the healthy integration of the loss or change into living out a new reality. It is so important for married couples to understand this process for grieving. Sometimes we come from backgrounds that make it difficult for us to express our feelings or face the feelings in our spouse. Our understanding of grief process helps us to compassioinately support one another as we go through it.

Michele’s aunt and my brother died on Christmas Day 2009. We were in shock all day. We tried to go on with holiday celebrations, but for me everything felt so surreal, as if it wasn’t really happening. My memory of the gift exchange is scant and blurred. For weeks following I felt like I was on autopilot. I worked, I went through the funeral service, I went back to work. I talked about our loss, but I felt little.

Weeks later I was working on editing a video of my daughter Erika’s first birthday only to discover the VHS tape had demagnetized and the images ruined. I suddenly felt a deep sadness come over me. I was paralyzed by it. The only thing that helped was Michele’s hug and her understanding. The loss of maturing children moving away from home, the loss of my brother, and my wife’s family’s loss all came crashing in on me.

Talking about it didn’t help at first, but after about 3-4 conversations over the next few days the deep sadness left me. I was reminded that I still had adult children to love. While I suffered the loss of a video record of their childhood, I hadn’t lost them. And while I had lost my brother, I had gained a sweeter understanding of who he was through the many people who spent time with him in recent years. I was renewed by a new perspective.

Talk about a time you have faced grief. How did you get through it? If you have never really faced grief, talk about how you feel about the idea of facing loss and significant changes. Know that Jesus, our Lord, knows your grief. Take comfort in knowing that Jesus is with you both as you hold on to Him and one another.