Grieving

When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked.

"Come and see, Lord," they replied.

Jesus wept.

Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" ~ John 11:33-36

At some point in your married life together you will experience grief. It may be the loss of a grandparent or parent, a dear friend or colleague. It might be a job loss or an injury to one of your children. Some grief is momentary, but some grief takes years and in some cases there is no complete healing from the pain this side of heaven. May you be spared from that grief. Still grief is a natural response to loss and change. Our Lord took on human flesh and experienced grief.

You can search the internet and buy books and pamphlets on grief to discover the process. Grieving persons go through disbelief, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance and finally the healthy integration of the loss or change into living out a new reality. It is so important for married couples to understand this process for grieving. Sometimes we come from backgrounds that make it difficult for us to express our feelings or face the feelings in our spouse. Our understanding of grief process helps us to compassioinately support one another as we go through it.

Michele’s aunt and my brother died on Christmas Day 2009. We were in shock all day. We tried to go on with holiday celebrations, but for me everything felt so surreal, as if it wasn’t really happening. My memory of the gift exchange is scant and blurred. For weeks following I felt like I was on autopilot. I worked, I went through the funeral service, I went back to work. I talked about our loss, but I felt little.

Weeks later I was working on editing a video of my daughter Erika’s first birthday only to discover the VHS tape had demagnetized and the images ruined. I suddenly felt a deep sadness come over me. I was paralyzed by it. The only thing that helped was Michele’s hug and her understanding. The loss of maturing children moving away from home, the loss of my brother, and my wife’s family’s loss all came crashing in on me.

Talking about it didn’t help at first, but after about 3-4 conversations over the next few days the deep sadness left me. I was reminded that I still had adult children to love. While I suffered the loss of a video record of their childhood, I hadn’t lost them. And while I had lost my brother, I had gained a sweeter understanding of who he was through the many people who spent time with him in recent years. I was renewed by a new perspective.

Talk about a time you have faced grief. How did you get through it? If you have never really faced grief, talk about how you feel about the idea of facing loss and significant changes. Know that Jesus, our Lord, knows your grief. Take comfort in knowing that Jesus is with you both as you hold on to Him and one another.

Consider The Cost

"Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, 'This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.' In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple. ~ Luke 14:28-30, 33

Too often marriages begin without a real consideration of what it takes to see it through to the finish. Young romance blinds couples to the harsh realities of life together. It requires surrender to Christ and His covenant with us as married couples. Recently I read that the chief purpose of marriage is to reflect Christ in our love for one another. This transformed love shapes godly children and blesses other family and friends. Are you surrendering everything for Christ to change you?

Jesus comes from a Hebrew prophetic tradition that often uses harsh rhetoric in order to grab attention. Such comments demand a response. The faint of heart and disinterested will fall away, but those who truly love God with their whole heart, mind, soul, and strength will want to come closer to understand Jesus. They will come to discover there are greater things requiring their attention than wealth making or even daily needs like food, drink and clothing. Jesus promises that God takes care of His own (Mat. 6:25-34). Those who walk by faith are moved by God’s promises and not by the current customs of the world. They gain a greater appreciation for the riches that God gives to every soul that places His right ways and His community above all things. Jesus promised that those who leave family, jobs and houses for kingdom work will gain 100 times the family and homes in this life and in the new age (Mark 10:28-30).

All this rhetoric should not be literalized. When we offer a tithe, we don’t wait with a ledger for the 10,000% return. The point is that when our attentions and passions are occupied by money-making, family building, career advancement or pleasure seeking, we will not be free to give God unfettered allegiance. Our hearts will belong elsewhere and God will get the leftovers. And we cannot serve more than one master (Mat. 6:24). His challenge serves to help us sift through all that grabs our attention. We learn to separate the wheat from the chaff. Jesus’ challenge sifted the crowd and those left were on the way to a sincere following of Jesus Christ.

Consider Jesus’ warning to the crowds and evaluate the cost of discipleship. It means everything changes. His mission of redemption in the world becomes your mission above all other concerns. Discuss with your spouse how you feel about this. How might you move your attentions from family building, career building or wealth building to a wholehearted mission of kingdom building through witness in word and deed?

To give up everything is to lay all things at your disposal at the Master’s feet and ask His direction on how to use it for His glory and the building of His community of faith. As we plan the New Year, how might we make the appropriate dedication of all things to Christ’s disposal as an act of discipleship? Will we fall away or draw closer and discover the fulfillment of His promises for eternal riches?

Overjoyed

When they saw the star they shouted joyfully. – Mat. 2:10 (NET Bible)

“‘Tis to the season to be jolly!” Have you noticed in recent years the cynicism in films about the holidays? There’s a long list that grows as each jolly season comes around. Rather than themes that celebrate the joy of the season of love, the focus is primarily on dysfunctional families and broken relationships, greed and grimacing. While the cynical approach may name what is the reality for many, it subverts the joyous message. The message is “Love is real.”

There’s a carol that names it well.

Love came down at Christmas,
Love all lovely, Love divine;
Love was born at Christmas;
star and angels gave the sign.

Astrologers (Magi) from Persian courts came to pay homage to the Messiah born not only for Israel, but for all people. These men had learned the messianic prophecies of from Judah’s captivity in Babylon. They were knowledgeable about the hope that one day God would restore His people with a son of King David and His kingdom would be marked by justice, righteousness, peace and the blessing of all the kingdoms of the earth. Kings and rulers would flock to Jerusalem to learn of God and share in this outpouring of wisdom, truth and majesty. Our best hope for human community is summed up in this messianic kingdom.

You and your spouse are chief subjects to King Jesus. He has a special task for you. It is to rejoice in Him, hope in Him and to love one another with the love He has shown each of you through His life, death and resurrection. Michele and I see our duty to Christ our King as the sacred task of loving one another; to love and care for our children and neighbors as a means of celebrating the greatest love ever given to the world.

This love is a self-emptying love. We do not possess this love apart from our connection to the King. When we drift from the majesty of His throne to go and serve others gods, like the god of busy-ness, the god of success, of fortune, of recognition, or of recreation, we separate ourselves from this real love.

John wrote in his first letter to the church that we know love by this: “Jesus laid down his life for us; thus we ought to lay down our lives for our fellow Christians” (1 Jn 3:16 NET Bible). This kind of love is risky and takes complete faith. It is a love that keeps no record of wrong, is not rude and shows patience (see 1 Cor. 13). This “other seeking love” is made completely real to our hearts when we embrace the gift of Christmas, Christ Jesus. When our hearts are filled with His Spirit, we can enjoy a true holiday, holy days in joyous celebration.

Discuss with one another how you can connect with this real love together. How will you spend time before the throne of Christ Jesus and be filled with His love? How will you share this self-emptying love with one another?

This love is a special light in the world. The Magi saw the new star that announced Christ’s birth and they were overjoyed. May you know the joy of real love, first from Christ and through Him for one another and the entire world.

Mission Critical

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: "Everyone is looking for you!" Jesus replied, "Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come." ~ Mark 1:35-37

Do you ever get the feeling that everybody wants a piece of you? Mark tells us that Jesus had the habit of prayer early in the morning. While he was away renewing himself and hearing from His heavenly father, others were searching for him. They tell him that “everyone is looking for him.” Jesus knows what if feels like to have people tugging on you for your time and energy.

Jesus’ response seems sort of unkind. Instead of him responding to the needs of those in front of him, his focus is on his mission with those he had not yet encountered. Far from being unkind, Jesus is dedicated to his mission which will bless the whole world. Jesus’ example is helpful for us in marriage in a couple ways.

The first point is this: Keep your mission as the priority.

Jesus could have allowed the needs of the moment distract him from the greater mission, that for which he came into the world. What would our lives be like if Jesus had chosen just to stick to Capernaum of Galilee? We would not know the life saving good news of God’s love.

The second point is this: Stay grounded in your relationship with God.

Jesus took the time to pray first thing in the morning. Before event the sun got to work, Jesus went to a quiet place to be alone with God. Here he could renew and be reminded of his purpose in life, his mission, that for which God had sent him into the world. Remember that Jesus taught his disciples, “apart from me, you can do nothing.” Grapes can never ripen apart from the sustaining vine. God is your vine, your very life’s source and strength.

Your mission as a married couple is simple: love one another and allow God to knit your hearts together as one. But God does not give you one to the other for your own sakes. God gives you this partnership to provide Him a witness of divine love in the world. Your children are blessed when you share in this love. Your friends, extended family and everyone who knows you are blessed because of your love for one another.

The next time you feel others tugging at you, causing you to drift from this most critical mission, feel free to be clear with them about what is your mission. Resist the temptation to give into everyone else; the children, the job, the extended family, the church or community. You are called to love your spouse and from that wonderful life-giving relationship, witness to the love of God.

What is your mission as a couple? As a disciple of Jesus Christ? Discuss with one another how you keep grounded in your relationship with Christ

Priorities

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

~ Matthew 6:33

Do you ever get to feeling like you have no control over your life? Day in and day out you are working someone else’s agenda. You daydream about what you wish you had time to do, but you never seem to get the chance. Join the hundreds of millions of westerners who have chosen this life. This is the game we bought into. It’s what I often refer to as the “hamster wheel the world has gotten us onto.”

Michele and I have often wanted to travel in our life. We get to once in a while, but with no regularity. Finances and our commitments to our children’s schedules, our church and employers and my spending habits have often frustrated these longings.

On the one hand, we can learn the discipline of being thankful for what we have. There is a joy in simplicity and allowing ourselves to gratefully receive the givenness of our life together. Still, we could also acknowledge that we allow the business of day to day commitments obscure our working toward priorities. If we want to go on a trip to Hawaii, we can set the date and plan on how we will save the money to pay for the trip. It may take a few years to reach that dream, but we won’t see it come to fruition unless we work toward that priority.

We find the same to be true in our marriage relationship. We get so busy with the day to day that we begin to sense that there’s a gap between us. We love each other, but our need for intimacy is not being met because, we haven’t made intimate conversation and time together a priority.

Michele uses an object lesson that is very effective in illustrating the importance of priorities. On a table she has two glass jars. One jar is filled about halfway with small dried beans. The other is filled with pin-pong balls. The small beans represent all the little stuff we have to get done, like trimming the bushes or changing the oil in the lawnmower. They are important, but are they major priorities in the grand scheme? The ping-pong balls represent the major priorities like family, job, school and friendships.

If you are like most people, you can’t get everything done. So after days and weeks of reacting to all the tugs on your time and talent, you have little left for pursuing what you really want out of life. Michele illustrates this by showing that when we deal with all the small stuff first (the beans), all the ping-pong balls will not fit into the jar with the beans.

But when we attend to the major priorities first (she loads an empty jar with the ping-pong balls), then all the small stuff falls into place (she pours the beans into the same jar with the ping-pong balls and amazingly they all fill the spaces in between the ping-pong balls.).

Jesus taught to make the kingdom of God our first priority, even above such necessities as food, drink and clothing. When we pursue God’s righteousness, all the other stuff finds its appropriate place in the scheme of things.

Your marriage is a gift from God. How are you making your relationship a major priority? Discuss what small stuff is getting in the way of you both working toward intimacy and affectionate care?

A Verse to Hang Your Hat On

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

Have you ever heard people from New England or Michigan speak? Their “r” is barely noticeable. I heard a comedian once joking about a fellow from Boston who said that his father had a “hat” attack. Cardiac arrest aside, I have a few biblical verses that “I hang my hat (heart) on.” That’s an old saying (origin unknown to me) related to a place where you call home, a place of security. If I hang my hat on an idea, it means I feel secure in my adherence to that idea.

One such verse is Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This implies a worldview where there is a God working for good in all things. It says to me that in the good, bad and ugly of life, God is at work taking life as it is presented to Him and bringing about blessings. This does not mean that I will feel good about an ugly event like the murder of children. It doesn’t mean that God wills for such ugliness to occur. What it does recognize is that suffering happens in this fallen world in its “bondage to decay” (Rom 8:21). Yet, while suffering occurs, God responds by working good for those whose hearts belong to Him and dedicate themselves to working with God in His work of restoring this broken world.

Time and time again, as Michele and I face “trials of many kinds” (James 1:2-4), we return to this understanding. We are comforted with a sense of security when we acknowledge that God is on the job working for good. We may not see the good God is doing, but we have faith that such good will come. It doesn’t matter to us if we benefit directly from the good. We are pleased to believe that something beautiful, something good will come out of the trial.

Recently we reconnected with one of our friends who served as an usher at our wedding all those years ago. We hadn’t seen him in a couple of years and inquired about his family. He had married later in life to a woman with a troubled teenager. Problems at their home sometime brought the police to their doorstep. It was a harrowing time for them and they feared for their daughter’s life with her destructive behavior and rebellious attitude.

What a delight it was to hear how God had worked for good in their lives. The teen had sued our friends for emancipation, but was placed at a Christian children’s home under supervision by the court until she reached 18 years. During that time the teen found healing for her heart and coping skills. Now in her mid-twenties she is a mother and employed full time as a counselor for child victims of domestic violence. God took a wounded girl and helped her become a healer.

What is a verse of scripture you hang your heart on?
Discuss with your spouse some of your favorite verses or passages.
If you can’t think of a passage, discuss how you feel about Romans 8:28.

Not Enough is Plenty

“We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered. “Bring them here to me,” he said. – Matthew 14:17-18

Recently Michele and I have hit a brick wall. Our energy is depleted. We are tired. It could be aging, or lack of exercise, improper diet or doing more than we are physically equipped to do. Whatever it is, low energy is a drag on us spiritually. When our bodies are tired, our spirits and minds are also worn out.

Paul tells us that anyone who is in Christ is a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). And Jesus tells John in his revelation, “I am making everything new” (Rev. 21:5). The Spirit of God “renews the face of the earth” (Psalm 104:30). And “those who wait on the Lord renew their strength” (Isa. 40:31). The need for renewal exists for all God’s creation. Why should we be any different?

One of my favorite passages is about Jesus trying to get away from the crowds to grieve his cousin, John the baptizer, who was executed by King Herod. Matthew tells us that Jesus and his disciples took a boat to a secluded place. The crowds had heard about his plans and met Him when He arrived.

Can you imagine how he felt? I would have just moved on to another place saying, “I need some ‘me’ time.” But Jesus has compassion on the crowds and heals their sick. As the day turns to evening, the disciples are worn out. “Send these people away so they can eat,” they tell Jesus. Jesus tells them, “You give them something to eat.” The disciples complained that there was not enough to feed this multitude of 5000 people. But Jesus responds, “bring them to me.” So the disciples hand him their limited supplies, but with the blessing of God all the people are fed and satisfied with baskets of leftovers!

In our weakness, we find new strength through our dependency on the abundance of the kingdom of Heaven. When we are empty, we find new resources for energy and passion when we come to our Creator broken and in need. Give God what little you have in faithful obedience and see what he does with it. Remember with God…not enough means plenty.

You may be struggling with financial limitations, or a depletion of self-esteem, you may find a physical limitation slowing you down. In all these things, you are invited to stop focusing on your limits and start trusting in the abundant mercies of God through Jesus Christ. Like a pinch of yeast causes a whole batch of dough to rise, your faith added to your limited resources will bring about dramatic results.

Share with one another where you are feeling empty, limited, pinched or constrained. How does God want to use the little you feel you have? Pray together for God to direct you and multiply your offering.